I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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