This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
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I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
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I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"