Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
