Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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