I'm gonna have a badass scar
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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