He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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