I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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