boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
