saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
