It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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