and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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