in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
