so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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