He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
