who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
