Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
