im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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