Screwed.edu
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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