She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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