Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
