all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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