i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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