My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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