Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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