dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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