I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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