I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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