i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
