why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
