saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
