And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
