just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
that's an acceptable place to lick
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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