There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
