I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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