So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
