I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
