I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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