I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
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He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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