he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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