i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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