Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We are all done wearing pants today
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
