I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
