I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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