thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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