I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
farters have to be the big spoon...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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