I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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