just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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