i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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