Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
the liver wants what the liver wants
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
