Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
