Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
