I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
