how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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