Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He? As in you personified your dick?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
