It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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