My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She bit a glass in half.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
