Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
