I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Sorry about my life...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
